Vaginal Flactuance, Lip Syncing Transvestites & Other Late Night Tomfooleries


Now don’t worry, I’m not trying to mimic any popular television show by referring to the characters in my life by the initial of their first names. As each girl entered the Dirthouse they were dubbed a fictitious name which I’ll shorten in my stories out of consideration for your wary eyes. Just so you know i’m not full of shit I’ll break them down for you now.
Introducing…Queen L. 
Queen L was the second housemate to enter the Dirthouse, myself being the first. Queen L is a blonde bombshell who works for an ritzy interior design company in the city. From a boudoir decked out in Sheridan and Laura Ashley to a set of vintage mirrors which line her feature wall, Queen L has a desire for all things designer…however this sale savvy seductress has never paid full price for anything in her life. Who did you think taught me how to barter? Queen L loves the hipster scene and when she’s not parading around in her corporate attire you’ll most likely find her at Flinders or Shady Pines drinking whiskey in her cons. Although secretly in love with biker boy Queen L is currently dating a pro golfer who in my opinion is full of shit. You’ll find most of my stories will be inspired by her shameless shenanigans.
Introducing…Queen Bernie.
 
Queen Bernie or Queen B is the third member of the wolf pack. Bernadette is her christian name and although i’d like to think some superior force inflicted that upon her, she sheepishly admits that she chose it herself. I understand that Bernadette was once noble name, however being gen y my conditioning has lead me to affiliate the name with that of a lip syncing transvestite (Priscilla Queen of The Desert). Regardless of her knowledge of exquisite Australian cinema Queen B is somewhat of a masterpiece herself. Barely out of her teens Queen B is already climbing to the top of the online magazine world. As the junior beauty editor of a multi-million dollar business Queen B has not only done a smashing job at setting herself up for a lengthy and profitable career but she gets to bring home heaps of free shit for everyone to enjoy. Queen B is also the only one in the Dirthouse with a boyfriend, it helps that Katy Perry is her dooplganger.
Introducing…TM
 
TM stands for Token Man, who is also coincidently Lady Benie’s boyfriend. TM is the reason why we can watch ‘Girls’ without the screen going fuzzy, he is the reason why the power doesn’t go out every time we blow-dry our hair in the morning, he is the reason why we have a washer that washes and a freezer that freezes and because of his green thumb for the first time ever TM has actually enabled stuff to grow in our “garden”. Now i’m not saying that we couldn’t do any of this stuff ourselves, I’m just saying that TM does it better and faster which leaves more time for us to lie in the sun and watch the flowers grow.
Last but not least I introduce to you…Queen Kimono 
 
Queen Kimono or Queen K is a dancer by trade, you’ll usually find her in Lululemon or LJ. She’s disciplined and determined to consume nothing and i mean NOTHING but Coles crunchy salad and fish oil (yes actual fish oil not even the capsules!). This rigerous regime generally works well for Queen K, that is until you get her on the wines. You know what they say…one wine is good for the heart, two wines are good for the soul and three wines on a stomach lined with nothing more than a lettuce leaf is when shit starts to get cray cray. Queen K who is usually very well mannered and composed is an animal on the piss and has a sneaky habit of not remembering anything the next day. Her name came after one of her late night tomfooleries (I’ve always wanted to use that word). After an absolutely MASSIVE evening Queen L had trouble finding her beloved Peter alexander robe. All of us including Queen K searched high and low for it but unfortunately no luck. We finally decided to postpone the search to make bacon and eggs and thats when we made the shocking discovery. Right between the vodka and the schnapps there is was, Queen L’s beloved kimono folded neatly in the middle compartment of the fridge. Queen B was at home visiting her parents that weekend, TM was with Queen B, I didn’t do it because I try to stay away from the kitchen when i’m drunk so as not to induce a junk food binge and Queen L is adamant that she didn’t cold press her own robe so that left Queen K who was last seen passed out on the sofa adjacent to the kitchen.
So now you know who i’m referring to when I say Queen B, Queen L, TM or Queen K…As for myself well you’ll get to know about me as we go along. I guess you can say that i’m the documenter, the Dirthouse analyst and although I am the youngest of the bunch I am ruthless in my conquests. I have set out to make this an exciting and sometimes insightful journey for all of us. And of course I don’t mean insightful in the sense that you’re going to find out who you are by reading this blog but insightful in the way that after you read about our lives you’ll probably value yours more. You get my drift.
For your eyes only, below are some pictures of us, all of course are blurry as to protect our integrity (whatever little we have left). You may now peruse…

 

Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!

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2 Comments

Anna
Reply March 3, 2014

OH MY GOODNESS. I just discovered this blog and I think I am in love. I am hardcore bingeing on all the posts... Thank blog heavens for such honest, hilarious and well-written documentation of housemate life. If I wasn't married and living with my own TM, I'd be asking if you had a spare room for rent!

Paige Bourke
Reply March 3, 2014

Thank you so much for your kind words Anna! It means so much to me. So glad you enjoy reading HOB. You've made my week! Xox

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