The New Girl on the Block – Queen P

Things change, people grow and sometimes life steers you in a different direction. The trick is not to resist change but to go with the flow. Everything that is happening now is happening for a reason.
If only it was that bloody easy hey! The day Queen K told me that she was leaving to dance on cruise ships I cried like a baby. And then I made her a burnt piece of fish and some Coles crunchy salad in hope that somehow she’d be blown away by my culinary skill, forego her dreams and want to stay in the Dirthouse forever. 
Guess what the outcome was?
The day Queen K left The Dirthouse we went for breakfast at St Judes and then I helped her pack the rest of her Surry Hills life into the back of her little green car. Before she left she handed me her key, looked up at the old house and then looked at me.
“You’ll find someone else and everything will be fine” she sighed.
And she was right. 
There’s no way we could have just gotten any chick to move into The Dirthouse. In fact like most tenants looking to fill a vacant room we had a list of what we wanted in a prospective flatmate.
  • Must be able to recite the chorus to Dr Jones by Aqua
  • Must have no problem talking openly and honestly about The Three P’s (pooing, periods and penis size)
  • Must identify the line between discussing The Three P’s and over sharing
  • Must bring something new to the dynamic as fiery redhead, blonde bombshell and Dirthouse analyst are already taken
  • Extra points for owning any of the following: Vitamix, dehydrator, magic bullet.
And by some random stroke of a miracle we found her. Introducing…
Queen P

At first glance you’d think that this social butterfly was too fancy to move into our dilapidated premises on Bourke street. But don’t let her love of designer things fool you, great quality extends way beyond her collection of Mulberry handbags. 

Not only is Queen P one of the most genuine, selfless and beautiful people I have ever met… but the girl can eat!! This is how we bonded on our first night together in the DH.

Although I hate to admit it I was rejecting her like I did with every other form of change when she walked past my room with which could only be described as the most amazing looking pizza ever.

New girl’s got herself a tasty pizza hey I thought to myself cooly, maybe I should go downstairs and make sure she doesn’t get any of the tasty pizza on my shitty old nice couch. 

So I followed the hypnotic smell of hot salami downstairs where after a few minutes of me lingering awkwardly in the kitchen she kindly offered me a slice.

One slice turned into four and before I knew it I had basically eaten the entire thing.

“Shit, I’m sorry I ate so much” I said highly embarrassed by the fact that I couldn’t control my own mouth.

I was also ashamed because over four slices of pizza I had gotten to know a little more about this pretty stranger who turns out was a lot more like me than I thought. The fact of the matter was that she was actually very lovely and I’d just eaten the only food she had in the house.

“No worries” she shrugged

“There’s another one in the oven that should be about done” she got up off the couch and opened the oven, the tantalising smell of meat and cheese erupting into the house.

“Oh, do you you have a friend coming over?” I asked suddenly aware that Queen P may have friends outside of the DH.

 “Nah I usually eat a whole one by myself and didn’t know if you were going to be home or not so I made another just in case”.

Oh. My. God.

“By the way do you like magnums?” she smiled placing the second pizza down on the coffee table in front of me.

And that was it.

We instantly bonded over our love of food and our superhuman ability to eat ALOT of it, a gift that we are now using for good not evil. 10 days Paleo and counting!!

But how did she get her nickname? What does the P stand for? Well you’ll be happy to know that it has nothing to do with The Three P’s.

You might remember a post Queen B wrote for HOB at the end of last year. It was a recount of her weekend away at Nelsons Bay. Believe it or not Queen B met Queen P during the weekend at a P themed party where B went as Pamela Anderson. Ring any bells? Refresh your memory here.

Queen P stands for Queen Protractor! She was the legend that turned up decked out in a giant piece of cardboard.

I like to think that I’m a pretty tough chick when it comes to life. Public speaking – love it, job interviews – bring it, breakups – break what? But as soon as you mention the word change there’s no telling where my head will be, usually in between my legs as to relieve a panic attack. 
The thing we need to accept is that change is constant and is completely necessary for individual growth and development. Well thats what a tuck shop lady once told me anyway when I refused to buy the new school uniform and nearly sent myself into cardiac arrest. 

Although I miss Queen K dearly, like the school uniform incident sometimes change is inevitable and although its hard to see at first it’s usually for the best.

 Now I realise that green actually compliments my skin tone, indirectly making me more attractive in the Tinder photo where I’m wearing teal. Similarly as a direct result of change I now have a new friend in the city.

Moral of the story is whatever change you’re experiencing now, embrace it! Although it may be challenging at the moment, you might find that it’s exactly what you need to steer your story in the right direction.

Welcome to Heaven on Bourke Queen P


Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!


Alli Holmes
Reply February 24, 2014

If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.....Lao Tzu
hmmmm....thought provoking huh? ...gotta love Lao Tzu!! Love you too wise young woman! xxx

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