The Dungeon Diaries: Miss N

The Dirthouse is a magnificent place with many rooms, most of which are occupied by lively young women. There is however one room which we refer to as the dungeon that we like to whore out in order to buy little luxuries such as plasma TVs and toilet paper – shhh don’t tell our landlord!

Miss N is a globe trotter who has frequented the dungeon a couple of times now in between her travels. She is a vivacious brunette who originates from Canada or is South Africa but wait I think I remember her telling me she lived in New York when she was one? Who knows, what I do know is that I can’t get enough of hearing about her adventures every time she comes to stay.

I don’t say this often but Miss N’s love life is more exciting than mine and in a way that I don’t envy but instead find myself awkwardly gawking at as to say “you’re fucking with me right?”.

Well my friends I can safely announce that she’s never fucking with me in fact the only people she’s fucking are that of the much older variety.

Now I’m not inferring that there is anything wrong with dating older men, in fact I very much support it and encourage it amongst women my age but you see Miss N has a thing for slightly more mature males sometimes even 30 years older than herself, which is a little odd for a girl who is only in her early twenties.

Lets remember readers that odd isn’t necessarily bad and from here on I want you to all swear that you’ll continue to read this piece with an open mind.

You swear?


Now lets continue…

Since I first met Miss N (around mid last year) she has had an ongoing relationship with a the CEO of a successful shipping company, for the sake of this blog lets call him Mr Shippy. Mr Shippy is separated but for reasons unknown to me still lives with his wife and three kids. The two lovers met when Miss N started hanging out with Mr Shippy’s son (Mr Shippy Jr) who is around the same age as Miss N.


Long story short in no time at all Miss N ditched Mr Shippy Jr for his much older and much wealthier father and the rest is history. I was never a big fan of history in high school but Miss N’s love life became a subject that I was particularly interested in.

Over a glass of wine one day Miss N casually explained to me how Mr Shippy likes to pay for all of her expenses when she visits Sydney (So Mr Shippy is actually the one to thank for our abundance of toilet paper?). He buys her clothes, cab fares and even gives her a little pocket money for rainy days, err i’m lucky if a guy even buys me a drink let alone a Zimmerman bloody dress. The latest purchase Mr Shippy made was an extravagant holiday package which included flights to Thailand and two weeks accommodation at a fancy boutique hotel for both himself and Miss N. For unforeseen circumstances Mr Shippy couldn’t make it but encouraged Miss N to take her best friend instead, he also insisted that he still cover all costs of the holiday… for both of them.

Fuck off!!

Miss N said she had a lovely time on the holiday but wished that he could have been there. By this time I had painted a vivid image of Mr Shippy in my head – I imagined George Clooney crossed with Sean Connery someone who always dressed smart casual, maybe he even walked with one hand in his pocket and the other grasping a dapper cane. Oh come on I don’t know!?

After a little hesitation and a whole bottle of red Miss N finally showed me a picture of Mr Shippy who  sure did look like George C alright!

No, no not George Clooney, the other George C…George Costanza (yep, that bald guy off Seinfeld).

I gave her an awkward smile and mumbled something along the lines of – yeah he’s cute – before sculling the rest of my glass of wine.

After many more conversations I got the feeling that Miss N did actually care for Mr Shippy which made me think of her a little less as a gold digger (there I said it) and more like a very resourceful young woman with a very interesting taste in men.

I’m not saying that I could pull off this type of relationship nor would I want to but at the end of the day if everyones happy and no ones getting hurt then what should it matter right? While I’m currently sitting here in a dress that barely costs more than a main meal at McDonalds I can’t help but wonder if I would ever accept beautiful material things from a man i wasn’t particularly interested in, in exchange for my time, company and even my body.

The answer i’d have to say is no.

As for Miss N well she has her reasons and I support that, whose to say Mr Shippy won’t go bankrupt tomorrow and Miss N is the only one by his side generously giving up her beloved Zimmerman and piggy bank full of rainy day change just so that they can be together in a dirty unfurnished apartment in Redfern?

Somehow I think if Mr Shippy was to lose all of his money tomorrow the likelihood of the above scenario playing out is very bleak, I mean even the shittest apartments in Redfern now come with some sort of furniture ๐Ÿ˜‰

Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!

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