Sunday Musings: Careers, Vibrators & Period Pain from Hell

Hello gorgeous,

Before I post a blog about one of Sydney’s most pretentious venues and make out my life is all pretty lunches and blemish free selfies (never the case anyway) I wanted to let you in on what’s really going on in my life at the moment, something I used to do a lot when I first started this blog…but stopped because well, the truth as we all know isn’t always pretty.

Here we go.

Dear reader,

This week has been the week from hell. I first came to the conclusion that I wanted to punch a street sign as I was walking to work. It was 7:30 am on Monday and 99% of the regular commuters had disappeared to go on holidays to exotic destinations all around the world no doubt. When you work in retail like me you’ll understand that at Christmas time there is no reprieve. Unfortunately working through Christmas, New Years Eve and Summer is the reality and while my inner career girl says “take it bitch” my twenty-something soul is yelling “Get drunk and be young, wild and free!”

This week was also the week when all of my hems on my dresses decided to fall down. Have you ever had that happen to you on your way to work? And you’re like the top three quarters of my outfit still looks perfectly fine BUT the bottom part looks like I’ve gotten into a nasty street fight.

By Wednesday I thought I had mastered walking to work alone with the bottom half of my dress selfishly flapping in the wind by listening to my ‘super happy and uplifting’ playlist which includes The Corrs, Aqua and other 90’s classics. My vibe was destroyed as soon as I got to work and started receiving prank calls from children on school holidays.

“Hello is this Maple HQ?” They giggled.

“Yes, how can I help you?” -me knowing very well where this is going.

“Do you sell dildos?” more sniggering.

“We sell personal massagers, yes” – me trying to remain calm and professional.

“What would you suggest I buy for my 13 year old daughter?”

They’d hang up and call several more times usually when I was very busy. I kind of envied them and wished that saying the word dildo would bring me as much amusement.

Thursday – late night shopping. Please press Y on your phone pad or keyboard if you actually like going shopping during the peek hours leading up to Christmas? If I could gift everyone in my family including my nan a vibrator just to avoid the Christmas rush I would. On Thursday night I decided to walk to Pitt St Mall after a long day at work and attempt to tick some things off my Christmas list. By 9pm I was livid having not been able to find even the most basic things so I decided to go shopping for myself. Which turned out be the worse decision of my life.

“Do you have those plain black Nikes” – me in the Nike store.

“Hmmm we’ve got these black with purple and green spotted Nike’s in a child’s size small?” – very unhelpful sales assistant.

“No I just want the plain black ones in the universal average size 8” Is this not the most basic question you’ve ever heard?

“Yes, yes we have them!”


“We have them in mens” Holds up a shoe as big as my apartment.

F you I’m off to the food court.

The week from hell all came to a soul destroying climax this morning (Saturday) as I woke up to the worst stomach cramps a girl could ever imagine. Boys stop reading here. My first thought was wow this is some seriously uncomfortable period pain then next minute I’m hobbling around my apartment looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame trying to find pain killers. Then that realisation when you have the pain killers but remember you have to take them with food. Bacon and egg roll isn’t exactly on my mind when I’m in the worst pain of my life. So I’m sitting there on my kitchen floor shovelling grapes into my mouth. Praying that the drugs kick in before I pass out.

Have you ever been in this amount of pain during your period that you’re lying in the fetal position imagining you’re about to have a god damn baby? There have been times where I get so worked up that I have to literally tell myself “Calm the f down, you are not birthing a child!”

Once the pain finally passes I crawl back into bed with my phone and google wtf just happened before falling back asleep.

By 10:30am I finally work up the strength to put on some clothes and walk to the coffee shop down the road looking like a corpse no less.

I’m standing in a massive line and as I finally get to the counter the lady says:

“Hi Paige, how are you going today?”


She remembers my name and my coffee order and I literally feel like this is the best thing to happen to me all week.

Moral of the story? We all have bad weeks and if you’re having a bad week too just know that I am here for you and If I could I would make you a lovely cup of coffee right now and tell you that everything will be ok. I also don’t want to make the terrible mistake of writing a blog where it appears that my life is always rosy and great. Even though 90% of the time it is.

Thank you for being here and reading HOB, I promise to always be real with you!

Need someone to talk to? Drop me a line anytime

Now I am off to have a pretty lunch with my girlfriend.

Love you long time.

Paige x

(Feature photo credit:
Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!


Reply December 30, 2015

Oh darling, this is so real and fresh. I sympathise, working in retail (particularly in Sydney city) is a nightmare. Hopefully January is more chilled out for you. Loved reading this!! Hope next month's friendly visit isn't so painful ;) ;)

    Miss P
    Reply January 11, 2016

    Hi Tessa,

    Thank you for your comment lovely lady! Oh you work in retail too, It's nice when someone else knows the pain!

    Have a fabulous New Year and thank you for reading.

    Paige x

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