The Calm Before The Shit Storm


Do you want to know what  I think is fucking hilarious?
For those of you who answered no – I’m going to tell you anyway. I think its hilarious how you can go from having the best day to having the worst day just like that.
Sometimes like this particular occasion theres a bottle of champagne involved, in fact it just dawned on me that champagne is nearly always the reason why one moment you can be on top of the world and next you’re waking up beside a pond somewhere with a penis drawn on the side of your face.
Anyway back to the nice wholesome part of this story, yesterday I took the pictures below and wrote about how happy and carefree life was, I didn’t post it because my blog was interrupted by an overwhelming craving for dates. I went to the shops to buy some dates and while i was there I thought I just might pop into the liquor store for a quick squiz – I came out five minutes later with two bottles of wine and the rest of the story is better suited for dot point format as I’m severely hung over and barely have the capacity to see let alone string a cohesive sentence together.
The not so wholesome part:
  • A few glasses of wine at The Dirthouse quickly turned into free bubbly at Hugo’s
  • Mingling with men in media
  • A dance off with a middle aged woman in bodycon
  • An ex boyfriend behind the bar who thought it would be funny to over pour the alcohol in all of my beverages
  • Where is Queen L?
  •  A lone cab ride
  • Seven calls to Bill (fuck)
  • And one message that read “weird conversation, everyone needed to pick it up from weirdness”
  • Weird.
Next day
  • Woke up fully dressed with my skort back to front
  • Still drunk
  • 13 messages 7 missed calls
  • Not yet thinking that copious amounts of champagne is a bad idea, in fact feeling excellent…invincible even
  • The realisation that Queen L had left her bag at the bar once again
  • Neither of us particularly bothered at this point
  • A tipsy walk to Coles
  • Two bottles of juice to counteract the two bottles of wine
  • Why won’t someone open the front door?
  • Oh thats because theres no one else home…for the entire weekend
  • haha
  • Queen L jumps the fence again
  • Yep, definitely locked out
  • No phones, barely any money just two bottles of juice and a straw trilby hat
  • All would have been fine if Queen L didn’t have to attend a wedding in under four hours and drive the mother of the bride to the ceremony.
  • Fuck
  • The decision to walk to Kings Cross to retrieve Queen L’s belongings
  • Of course there was no one there
  • A fairly sizeable tantrum
  • Sitting at a dirty little convenience store staring at Bills number on the Internet
  • Begging the asian woman behind the counter to let us use her phone
  • The harsh realisation that this is the second time in three months that I’ve called Bill because I’ve locked Queen L and I out of The Dirthouse
  • No answer
  • Feeling about 10 years old and exceptionally pathetic and hopeless
  • A locksmith
  • A call from Queen K saying that she had left a spare key under the pot plant
As you can imagine both of us wanted to die. Actually thats an understatement. The funny thing is when I went to write about this occasion the blog below was already up on my screen and it was like I was giving myself a massive punch in the face. Yesterday I felt incredible, powerful, healthy and inspired and today I feel like all the progress I’ve made with my health, my state of mind and the decision not to contact Bill has gone completely down the drain.
Great.

For those of you who prefer stories of triumph and sunshine over stories of weakness and weirdness heres the original blog post full of happy pictures…

It’s just one of those days you know. One of those rare days when you’re woken up by your own body clock instead of the usual drone of your alarm. A day free of commitment, nothing to do no one to see.
I think days completely exempt from ritual and responsibility reveal a lot about a person
And this is what today revealed about me…
For the first time in a long time I went for a walk, I didn’t push myself, I didn’t time myself in fact I left my watch and my phone at home and I just walked and walked and walked.

When I got home I sat out in the sun and I wrote something not particularly amazing or profound

Before lunch I wondered into the kitchen and made cookies, I allowed myself to open the oven door every five minutes because patience isn’t one of my best qualities.

And then for the first time in a long time I sat down and watched the midday movie which lucky for me was Scent of a Woman – One of my favourite films of all time.

It’s an amazing privilege to spend a whole day doing exactly what you want.

Moral of the story is take full advantage of the good days where the horizon is clear and your eyes are sparkly because you never know when theres a shit storm brewing just around the corner.

Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!

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