Not Just A Blog About Sex, Pubic Hair And Getting Drunk


Contrary to popular belief this is not just a blog about sexcapades, the maintenance of pubes and getting fucked up. I have decided to integrate a how-to once every now and again to stay hip and relevant (yes i just used the word hip). 
People love learning how to make stuff so I’m going to give my audience exactly what they want. The only problem seems to be that I’m not too flash at cooking and I definitely don’t think I should be telling anyone else what to do, so I stuck with a treat that I know well and although its not a secret recipe my grandma passed down to me or something the requires a lot of skill I think that everyone should know how to make these tasty treats simply because if you have enough of them they will literally take you to a whole new level.

Introducing…Vodka Jelly Shots- Dirthouse Style
Now you can be absolutely hopeless in the kitchen (like me) and still be able to make these babies with ease. 
All you need are two ingredients:
  • Jelly- I chose raspberry flavoured 
  • Vodka- How cute are these little bottles I found in my underwear draw

Attached to the Vodka was this cute note that my friend made…Nawww
Now I know those bottles are cute and all but at the DH we don’t like to fuck around with our bottles of booze, so i brought in something a little more…substantial. 
Okay, first things first- lay out some plastic shot glasses on a tray, I got these bad boys from Woolworths for $2.99
Now its time to start making your jelly. You will need 1 cup of boiling water and 100mls of cold water and 100mls of vodka mixed together. It is important to put in the cold water so that the jelly sets…if you’re fine with unset super sweet liquid then forget about the water and just put 1 cup of vodka. I’ve done this before and after a few shots I didn’t even care that my jelly didn’t set. 
Add the boiling hot water to the jelly crystals (don’t bother putting your hot water in a glass to make it look like you have super excellent preparation skills because you will burn the absolute fuck out of your fingers, like I learnt after I picked up the cup below). 
Once you’ve added the boiling water you must dissolve the crystals by stirring rapidly…or not rapidly just make sure that every damn grain of crystal has dissolved. 
Add the water and vodka mixture
And stir once more…I think I should do a post on how to stir too as this obviously requires a great deal of skill. 
Next pour your mixture into the shot glasses making sure not to spill it, come on we’re not drunk yet. 
Put in the fridge for 4-5 hours to set (the duration of time it takes to do your make up) and Whollaa you’ve got you some tasty-as-fuck jelly shots perfect for entertaining friends or getting your younger brother or sister secretly drunk if they aren’t aware that this vibrant coloured jelly is actually laced with sweet sweet alcohol! 
Give your self a pat on the back because you’ve actually just made something great! 
After making the shots I realised that Friday is actually a pretty big deal and I needed more than jelly to express my appreciation for it being the beginning of the weekend. So i did what any part-time worker/uni student who is amazing at procrastinating would do, I went out a bought a dozen metallic balloon and wrote HAPPY FRIDAY on every darn one of them. 
It really ended up being quite a spread…
Lady Bernie very much appreciated my avo dip (another very complicated recipe consisting of avocados and a lemon mixed together garnished with a bit of salt and pepper). 
A couple of wines and jelly shots later we were loving life and the balloons a little too much…
Unfortunately I didn’t get any more pictures of the night, we ended up going to The Beresford Hotel where I ran into a boy I did cheerleading in high school with, met a small blonde girl who took me all the way to North Bondi to meet her boss and entice me to have a threesome with them (they failed dismally) and was introduced to a handsome guy who works in the navy (very exciting prospects). It was a very big night so as you could imagine a good coffee was very much in order this morning. 
As we sat in a filthy sea of crumbs, balloons and empty shot glasses I realised that there was only one thing to do and that was to do it all over again. So, Happy Saturday everyone…I’m meant to be going on a party bus with Geordie Shore, but I already have a feeling that it might not be the greatest idea. Oh well I guess we’ll know tomorrow. Enjoy your weekend everyone! 
Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!

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