My Channing Tatum Experience – Lol Jks: My Depressing Decline Into Unemployment


So, just over two weeks ago I quit my part
time job as a public relations executive. Believe me it was an incredible
opportunity for someone at my level of expertise but in the end there was only
a certain amount of bullshit I could take before enough was really enough.
Since then I have been living the high life – 
waking up when I want, going to bed when I want and just doing heaps of
the other cool stuff one does when they are unemployed.
Ok now lets cut the shit. As I lay here
limp in my bed with my Mac on my lap staring into the screen with lazy eyes and
my teeth clenched together, you don’t need a rocket scientist to tell you that
I’m starting to get really, really unmotivated and quite frankly…borderline
psychotic.
In the first week after I quit my job I was
happy to be on holiday, I got up at 7am, like I was used to but instead of
getting ready for work I’d lay on the couch like a giant sloth and watch the
Morning Show while the other Dirt Queens hurried around me performing their own
pre-work rituals.
And then I stopped even seeing the girls
before they went to work, because after a few days or so I started sleeping in
a little later and a little later and next thing I know it I’m waking up at
10:30am and wondering if I should make breakfast or just wait another half hour
to prepare an early lunch, this is where shit started to get a little trippy
(mixing breakfast with lunch is never a good idea).
And then it hit its peak yesterday when I
actually woke up around 9am (not bad) had breakfast (good) but then at 10:30am
went back to bed for a nap because it was raining and its not like anyone ever
got a lot done in the rain (very bad). I woke up at around 1pm and went
straight to the kitchen for my newly prescribed post-nap ritual – one
tablespoon of Nutella a slice of cheese and half a coffee and then I did what
any un-employed and highly un-motivated person would do and I turned on the TV
and started watching day time telly in my pajamas at 2 in the afternoon. The
next part will probably shock you so if you actually have a life unlike myself
I suggest you exit out of this highly depressing blog and get back to your
excel sheet or whatever you employed people do…
After 3 hours I started to get bored and a
little bit frustrated at the TV- fuck off Judge Juty, pfft, Deal or No Deal do
I look like a game show person? Hmm…TMZ. No I’m not that desperate yet. So I
began flicking through the Dirthouse’s diverse collection of DVDs. Texas
Chainsaw Massacre…relevant but I’d like to keep my Nutella down. Drop Dead
Fred…I could probably go a friend right now but that movie scared me as child
and I’d probably prefer not to feel vulnerable while I’m home alone. So I
settled on a movie I hadn’t yet seen at that was The Vow.
So now picture this my friends… an hour into
the movie I’m sprawled out on the couch, with one bed sock on gripping a jar of
peanut butter with pretzel crumbs all over my chest feeling GOOD about myself
because Channing Tatum is calling out my name in a desperate plea. For those of
you that haven’t seen the movie obviously Channing is not calling out to me but
to the leading lady, Paige, who is actually played by Rachel McAdams – damn you
Rachel first Ryan and now Channing. Anyway in my delirious state it appeared
all the same to me and for a fleeting (I’m ephazising the word fleeting as I
don’t want you to think that I actually did this for most of the duration of
the movie, because that’s just sheer craziness) moment I actually closed my
eyes and imagined that Channing was in the room with me begging me to take him
back. WHOLEY FUCK-A-MOLIE.
Don’t worry Channing it’s going to be okay…The real Paige is here now…
Not much later after the movie had finished
and I’d hidden all evidence of me being a disgusting mess the Dirthouse Queens
arrived home to find me preparing a healthy balanced me (my first proper meal
of the day) in my gym clothes – the only exercise I got that day was playing
hide and seek with the Nutella which at one point I somehow hid at the highest
point of the kitchen, lucky I had a broom to help me get it down.
“Oohh you look like you’ve had a productive
day,” they said.
And that’s when I relaised it wouldn’t be
long before they would find out what I was really doing with my days and they’d
look at me in disgust, like you guys are probably now looking at your computer
screens.
Look guys I am a little bit embarrassed to
share this information with you but as a wise bird once said “the truth will
set you free”. Coming to the realization of what I’ve actually been doing (or
not doing) over the last few days I believe, will help me to re-gain my
motivation and be that interesting, obnoxious, adventure hungry 20-something-year-old
that you have grown to love (I’m referring to my parents here because I don’t expect
you love me yet, because love is a big step but don’t worry because we will get
there eventually).
And look, in 20 minutes I just managed to
write 1000 words about how much of a slob I have become, so starting my sociology
essay shouldn’t be a big deal. See, See!
Since I’m already convienetly located in my
bed I think I deserve a nap…
Just kidding, I actually have a fab event
to attend tonight 😉
*perk 18798 of not having a job is that I
can allocate even more time to getting ready, woot woo! I guess it ain’t all
bad after all. 
Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!

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