The Perils of Dating a D Grade Celebrity


Just when you thought dating couldn’t get any harder, there’s a new breed of man lingering around your favourite bar waiting for you to remember his short stint as an intruder on Big Brother…Ladies, meet the D grade celebrity guy.

A couple of weeks ago on the terrace at The Woollahra Hotel in Sydney’s swish Eastern Suburbs, a group of girlfriends found themselves quaffing bottles of wine and discussing their recent D grade dates. I’m not talking about a split the bill for a McDonalds cheeseburger D grade date but the act of dating someone with a very small amount of celebrity status. Just between this group of girls alone, their showreel consisted of a couple of chefs, a few soapies and bevy of reality tv contestants.

The reality is, there are more television shows aired today than ever before and therefore your chances of bumping into a current or former television star is very high especially if you live in a major city. This month alone I’ve spotted a Bondi vet running in Bronte and a Masterchef dining in Surry Hills. They’ve got to go somewhere after polishing off their fancy foie gras and sometimes that happens to be the same bar you’ve chosen to abuse the daily recommended dose of alcohol.

So what do you do if a D grade celebrity guy moseys up to you mid martini? Before you surrender to his oh so familiar charm you must be aware of the five perils of dating a D grade celebrity.

1. The D Grade Celebrity Guy is very alluring and usually very physically attractive.

Casting directors typically don’t put ugly people on TV and if they do, they’re usually killed off like a fat guy on Survivor before you even have a chance to get to know their name.

2. The D Grade Celebrity Guy has a very big ego.

 All it takes is a couple of twelve year old girls to ask if they’re that guy off that show before they start asking you to refer to their penis as god.

3. The D Grade Celebrity Guy usually has a very small bank account.

Many television contestants are forced to give up their day jobs to commit to a gruelling filming schedule which pays not much more than the average yearly salary. Therefore just because you know he likes to cook Asian inspired dishes doesn’t mean you know he can afford to help you pay for the morning after pill.

4. AND just because they are on a cooking show doesn’t mean they will cook for you.

This is true for all shows except for The Bachelor because true to form this type of D grade celeb will try and shag you.

5. The D Grade Celebrity Guy attracts other D Grade Celebrity Girls who are usually very blessed in the looks department and probably don’t own even one pair of Bridgette Jones large lady knickers. Bugger.

In case the above has left you gaging for your very own vaginal intruder here are the top five places to find a D Grade Celebrity Guy in Sydney:

  1. Coogee Pavilion. Here you’ll find footballers and television personalities galore but be prepared to battle it out against a million other skinny, big boobed girls.
  2. Double Bay. They call it Double Bay because you will doubly pay if you get caught with your knickers down at one of these pretentious celeb hotspots.
  3. North Bondi. Get up early to find famous PT’s and vets in their natural habitat.
  4. Anywhere located in inner Sydney that starts with a “W” and is hard for non celebs to pronounce e.g. Woollahra, Woolloomooloo or Westfield Bondi Junction.
  5. Tinder. Find seemingly single D Grade Celebs around you. Swipe right to initiate conversation about life as an electrician after masturbating in the sauna of the Big Brother house in 2002.

Okay I know a bitter blog post when I see one and therefore I must admit that this group of girlfriends have been more than a little burned by their brief encounters with the D Grade Celebrity Guy. The truth is, It’s tough enough to find a decent man in this city without having to worry about him running off with the limber salsa teacher from Dancing with the Stars. But maybe your D Grade Celeb encounter will be different and if it is you must email me immediately (paige@heavenonbourke.com).

My final piece of advice to those currently dating a D Grade Celebrity Guy is this: Watch out for wives and mass produced dick pics! And if all else fails and your D Grade Celebrity Guy doesn’t treat you right there’s always Women’s Day.

We’ll drink to that!

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Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!

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