Say Goodbye to The One-Night Stand
Ahh, the old one-night stand…..Symbolic of waking up and finding a false eyelash stuck to your shoulder and a naked stranger straddling your £100 cushion.
In an ideal world, the Tinder guy who you called last night, after a dozen glasses of prosecco, would roll over in the morning to reveal brooding Tom Hardy looks. He’d have a thick head of hair and a mysterious tribal tattoo on his right shoulder, which represents the time he fought lions just to get your attention.
Instead, you don’t remember anything, and the more you stare at the bald patch on the back of his head, the more you wish that Tinder, prosecco, mobile phones and men just didn’t exist.
One thing living in London has taught me, is that time is a hot commodity, so when your LV diary is bursting you’ve got to start culling some things and the one-night stand should be the first to go!
Think of all that time wasted pashing, crashing and awkwardly dashing….and for what? You hardly even remember the main event until the condom packet you stand on during your vanishing act, kindly reminds you that you did.*Facepalm*
Introducing the modern, swanky substitute: The “Half-Night” Stand
In a city where careers come first and dating apps reign supreme, busy Londoners are now opting for half the encounter and double the pleasure, in a new style of “dating” called the half-night stand.
This is how it works, you have a lovely dinner followed by even lovelier dessert (wink, wink) and then you haul your derriere out of there before the sunlight streams in to reveal your sins.
In this clever article by Flirtfair, a columnist who I can only imagine looks like Jude Law’s character Alfie, describes the half-night stand as love making with business-like precision. “Half-night stands allow both parties to get in and out, as efficiently as they would on business, while still gunning for pleasure.”
In theory, this sounds like a beautiful thing, marrying our natural assertiveness in the boardroom with our desire for no-strings- attached pleasure.
I caught up with my friends, Mr Clothes Folder and Miss Quarter Hour in Soho last weekend to learn how they incorporate the half-night stand into their busy London lives.
Mr Clothes Folder – A commercial Lawyer with OCD.
Mr CF romances his date with dinner minus the alcohol as he points out that alcohol can add hours of sloppiness to a rendezvous. After dinner it’s back to his place, a modern one bedroom loft on Bond Street with a sound system and no TV. They talk about travel, skiing and arthouse movies before he whisks her off to the bedroom. After they’ve made love to his record-of- the-week he cuddles for 5 minutes, uses the bathroom and on his way back into the bedroom picks his clothes up off the floor and neatly folds them away as a signal to his girl to hit the road – in the sweetest possible way, of course!!
Miss Quarter Hour – A stylish costume designer residing in East London
While most of us are busy spilling curry down our shirts in the office canteen, Miss Quarter Hour uses her Friday lunch break to get busy. Over a gin martini, she explains to me how she allocates her favourite 15 minutes of the week. At 12:30pm her date arrives at her apartment and politely comments on how lovely she looks in her leather bustier, shortly after she ties him to her bedpost. By 12:40pm it’s all over red rover with enough time left for her to enjoy a glass of wine on her balcony as he disappears down the high street.
Regardless of how you take your half-night stand…neat like Mr Clothes Folder or with a garnish of bondage on top – If you commit to not committing for the night you’ll wake up with a fresh new perspective on modern sex.
Let’s face it, the traditional one-night stand no longer fits into our way of life.
It simply doesn’t make sense that for five days a week we align ourselves with strict, calculated schedules and then when weekend comes, all our morals go out the window and in a drunken haze we end up bedding George Costanza.
So next Friday night, start the weekend as you wish to go on, by sending your Tinder guy a calendar invite…
Subject: Half-Night Stand
Location: My place
Start time: After the sun sets
End time: before the sunrise
And if by some stroke of fate, you notice while he’s walking away down the moonlit streets, that he kind of, sort of, looks like Tom Hardy…
Make that invite recurring!