Forget that idiot! Comfort Food 101
Unfortunately forgetting an idiot is easier said than done. No matter what he did or didn’t do, initially that idiot is going to be hard to get over.
It took a rather brash intervention to remove the idiot from my life. Three Queens sitting on the couch not looking at me as I entered the room. They knew where I’d been and weren’t going to give me the satisfaction of letting me talk about it. As you know I’m a bit of a talker so things escalated quickly.
“Look at your fucking knee!” – I fell over…whilst hypothetically and quite literally chasing my idiot.
“I know, I know.” I said. Because I do know what I’m doing is wrong but it just feels sooo right (who’s the idiot now).
“He’s a fuck wit for indulging in this little fantasy of yours.” Queen L
“You don’t mean anything to him.” Queen B
“Honey just please forget that idiot” Queen K
They were right, I had nothing. I’d played the ‘he’s kinda famous, a really good cook, has amazing abs and an author ‘ card too many times.
“Bottom line, he’s really old and needs to be with someone on the same level.” Queen B being Queen B always has the last word but not this time.
“bu..bu..buttt I am very mature for my age.” I splutter before fleeing up to my room, slamming the door and proceeding to sulk in front of my fireplace. Very mature indeed.
The next day I woke up at one in the afternoon, exhausted. I knew that something had to change especially since my idiot was now not only destroying my sanity but was also disturbing the peace within The Dirthouse.
As a peace offering to the Queens I decided to make the filthiest, carb infused dinner. This dish is the perfect way to say ‘I’m sorry, I know I fucked up lets all just forget about it and commit sweet, sweet carbicide’. Trust me, it usually works.
Comfort Food 101 Recipe
First of all since there is no longer a man in your life you’re going to need not one but two big, hard chorizo sausages. The perfect length and girth is essential for maximum satisfaction.
- A generous amount of baby spinach leaves
- 1 cup of pesto
- A bag of white pasta (so unhealthy that its almost translucent in colour)
Dice up your sausage into thick chunks
Chuck into a hot pan – you only need the tiniest dash of oil to lubricate your pan before you begin to cook the meat.
Cook pasta remembering to add a dash of salt to the boiling water.
Once pasta is cooked remove the water and add the pesto
And your cooked chorizo
Roughly chop spinach, channeling all of your anger and frustration into the knife. Damn that idiot. Make sure not to chop your finger off…you will need them later for when you’re flipping the bird at his Instagram picture. Too much?
Stir in the spinach and cheese…
Serve to the people who love you…the non idiots most commonly known as your girlfriends.
Use the healthiest food you can find as a non edible centrepiece.
Cheers to life and good friends.
Sit back and marvel at your spectacular coma inducing creation. Enjoy every bite of it and don’t you dare feel sad/angry/guilty because you are amazing and you need to learn to not be so hard on your beautiful self. Life is simply too short.
If you can’t forget that idiot just yet, don’t worry. In time it will get better and easier. For now make sure you pay extra attention to the finer things in life. These things include chorizo, drinking water out of wine glasses and knowing that there is the right kind of idiot out there for you.