Brunch with the Ex
If i’ve got my head in the toilet at 7 am on a Saturday morning it usually means I’ve had one too many dirty martinis the night before. However today is an exception. I’m stone cold sober and cleaning the loo incase he decides to come in and see my new apartment and by he I mean my ex.
What a bloody fool! That’s what you’re thinking isn’t it?
Why would anyone agree to meet their ex for coffee on a Saturday morning? I narrowed it down to a lethal combination of curiosity and boredom.
You see Mr D called me on Thursday to say he was visiting from LA, which is nice of him to keep me in the loop after five years of being so cold and aloof.
As I had no other plans and my 30 day free Netflix trial had just come to a depressing end I decided it would make for a good story. At least that’s what I told myself.
If you’ve ever engaged in such stupid behaviour with your ex then you’ll understand that the moment from the intercom to the front door is the longest ever.
The craziest shit races through your head like, do I greet him at the door with a seductive “hello stranger” or do I wait for him to knock then pause and open with a casual “hey there”.
You also wonder if your eye make up is too smokey for 8 am in the morning and whether or not he’ll want to see inside your cupboards because if so you’re fucked.
And as you hear the footsteps rounding the corner and you prepare yourself for the moment you’ve always imagined you know that only one things for sure, that this was a very bad idea.
Brunch with an ex is then followed by drinks with The Friend.
Time to debrief…but first antipasto and a martini.
” You’re an idiot. How does he look? What was it like?” The Friend asks.
How you answer these questions usually depends on how long you were together, how long its been since you hooked up with the ex and how many martinis you’ve had.
“He looks fine” means he’s either gotten fat or looks really, really good.
“It was fine” means you’re lying.
Several martinis later the cold hard truth was finally revealed…
The next morning I found my head in the toilet for all the right reasons.
And I am proud to admit there was not a toilet brush or ex boyfriend in sight.