5 Signs He’s Unleashed Your Inner Psychopath


Inside every cool girl is a psychopath just waiting for the right asshole to bring her out. Any girl who says that she has never lost her cool in a unstable relationship is lying through her lashes. Here are five dating scenarios that will test whether your cool girl or inner psychopath is running the show.

 

1. The guy you like doesn’t text you back and when he does his messages are too short to keep the conversation rolling. e.g. Girl –So what are your plans for the weekend?Boy – “Not sure.”

The cool girl reaction: Whatever. I’m going to call Sally and we’re going out for wines and a cheese platter!

The inner psychopath reaction: Fuck you fucker. Waits exactly ten minutes before replying “Cool have fun” then deletes his number. Checks phone several time before hiding phone in a shoe and messaging Sally on Facebook. “Sally lost my phone lets get drunk“.

 

2. You’ve just started dating a guy when you stumble across his ex girlfriend’s Instagram account.

The cool girl reaction: Cute, I’m going to call Sally and we’re going out for wines and a cheese platter!

The inner psychopath reaction: “Oh my god Sally can you please check something for me, omg I need you to search for **** ex girlfriends Instagram account, I think she’s blocked me. Oh my god I could see her page a minute ago and now it’s coming up with ‘user can’t be found’. How did she know I was creeping. Ok, ok her username is *****. Can you see it? Sally can you see it? You can!! Oh my fucking god she blocked me. What do you think, do you think she’s cuter than me? But really? Yeah I thought her eyes were too far apart too. Oh my god I can’t believe…Wait. Wait a second. False alarm I can see her…she didn’t block me I just typed her username in wrong. Lol, lol, lol Sally. Want to go out for a wine?”

 

3. Flash back to 2014 and you’ve just discovered that Snapchat has a ‘Bestfriends’ feature. Your lover’s top three consists of three girls…none of which are you.

The cool girl reaction:  Sally I want no part in this chlamydia infused orgy, let’s go out for wine and cheese.

The inner psychopath reaction: “Sally I can’t do wines right now, I have to go get a blow dry. Because I need to take a really amazing selfie. Why? Because fuckwit fucker is Snapchatting three other bitches. Calm down Sally none of them are naturally pretty. I know because I searched their names on Facebook and Insty and when I couldnt find it on the search feed went through the list of everyone he’s following. Look Sally I have to go, I’ve got two hours before the sun goes down and the great lighting in my lounge room disappears forever. Call me to organise a wine later sweetie.”

 

4. A guy you like is coming over at 10pm. No need to worry about dinner, he’s already eaten. 

The cool girl reaction:

9:45 pm: Pours a glass of red and lights a cigar. Opps I forgot to shave my legs. Messages Sally “This shouldn’t take long will meet you around the corner for wine and a cheese patter”.

The inner psychopath reaction:

6 am: What is this? Is this a date? Should I make him dinner anyway? A lamb roast is the way to a man’s heart.

5 pm: Okay so I just need to pick up some rosemary, garlic and maybe some lavender incense.

7 pm: Have been fully dressed and sitting on the lounge since 6pm fuck, what if he doesn’t like lamb?

10:01 pm: Flailing on the lounge listening to “Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t, I can’t make your heart feel something it won’t here in the dark in these final hours I will lay down my heart I’ll feel the power but you won’t…no you won’t.”

 

5. You’re on a first date with your crush and he says “You’re such a cool girl, the last chick I dated was such a psychopath!”

The cool girl reaction: *laughs* I’m not like that at all, Its not in my nature…I’m totally laid back I just love having a wine with my friends and a cheese platter every now and then.

The inner psychopath reaction: *laughs* I’m not like that at all, It’s not in my nature…I’m totally laid back I just love having a wine with my friends and a cheese platter every now and then.

 

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Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!

3 Comments

Crimson
Reply August 19, 2015

Absolutely brilliant...

Elyce
Reply August 20, 2015

Holy shit I just cracked up reading this. "The cool girl reaction: *laughs* I’m not like that at all, Its not in my nature…I’m totally laid back I just love having a wine with my friends and a cheese platter every now and then." GOLD.

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