Leather, Adam The Security Guard, Asian Persuasion and The Downward Dog Eastern Beaches Style


This morning 5am I heard Countess K’s alarm go off, she was getting up for her bootcamp class at Bondi and I was just slipping into bed.

The last three days have been crazy to say the least, i’ve been meaning to write about the latest adventures of the Dirthouse Queens but lately when I’m not out on the town I’ll be in a deep sleep, hidden away at the top of this dilapidated mansion.

So, when I gained consciousness around 11:30 this morning, I finally managed to peel myself out of bed, pull on some black leggings, an oversized shirt, my Ralph Lauren chunky knit and made my way towards the front door.

Before I left I grabbed my laptop, keys, piled my hair onto of my head and fixed it with an elastic I found on the floor oh, and of course my sunglasses, thank god for sunglasses.

Phone? Not a fucking clue.

A few minutes later I found myself on Crown Street, ordering a double shot cap and the largest most delicious wild berry muffin I’ve ever seen and well…now here I am…

This time yesterday I was laying in the dungeon (a small dark spare room located in the depths of the Dirhouse with only one king bed and one dusty book shelf) with Queen L and Lady B. We were listening to Fleetwood Mac on the lowest possible volume and recounting the events of last night and the night before and the night before that. Ouch, my head.

We were all curled up together, the only light that entered the room was from my phone which lit up simontaniously when I received a message from a very handsome yet dangerous new character.

But wait lets not get ahead of ourselves here, I will start from the beginning of this bender – Friday night…

The highlights of Friday night include:

  • Leather shirts, skirts, tops and pants
  • Teal nail polish and earrings
  • A glass or two of wine at the Baxter Inn 
  • Biker boy’s helmet
  • A sneaky appearance at The Beresford
  • A strange encounter with a Russian security guard named Adam
  • A curry pie in Taylor Square
  • A missing Dirthouse Queen
  • A drunken call to one Australian reality TV star
  • One very long D&M on the Dirthouse couch with Lady B and Mr. D
  • A declaration of love 

Saturday morning the girls and I went to breakfast at Candy’s and laughed about the events of last night, according to my message log Lady B and I had done a substantial amount of networking in our drunken state. “Now is the perfect time to invest in Heaven On Bourke” was our apparent spiel as we propositioned a number of semi influential Sydney socialites. The rest of the day was spent sunning ourselves in the backyard and laughing about the random things that we remembered. Was there a boy in my bed? one of us asked…
That night we were settling in for Thai food and Harry Potter when I got a call from Thumb Ring guy I wasn’t overly fussed by his offer to have a drink at The Soda Factory until he sent me a snap chat of him and his very cute mates. All of a sudden we found ourselves swapping wands and wizards for seamen and sailors downtown at Wentworth Avenue. 
The highlights of Saturday night include: 
  • Three shots of vodka to rid ourselves of our current hangover 
  • Three Dirthouse Queens and four sailors
  • 3 x A Sailors Mule cocktails (naturally) cinnamon infused rum with ginger beer, bitters, fresh lime and finished with a healthy dose of Sailor Jerrys spiced rum $17 each @ The Soda Factory
  • Another trip to The Beresford (what is wrong with us?)
  • A run in with Adam the security guard (fuck)
  • A vanishing act
  • A very sweaty group of sailors with one last proposal – North Sydney ladies?
  • Another vanishing act
  • A very sober walk home with the girls – oh, and a midnight feast @ our Bourke Street local, Turkish Pide. 

Rise and shine ladies, its time to do something productive with our long weekend. At 10 am we decided to complete the Coogee to Bondi run – six hours later we finally made it to the track only to find ourselves waddling along and performing obscure yoga poses (or our interpretation of yoga poses) on the rocks while tourists sneakily snapped our weird behaviour probably to show their friends back home.

Sorry about that Mr. Surfer…

Now that we were back in good health it was obviously time for some Sunday night shenanigans…

Round 3 Ding, ding, ding!!

  • One bottle of Rose 
  • A very distinct pair of Sass and Bide pants
  • A Surry Hills house party with our smexy Asian neighbours
  • A trip to The Clock Hotel
  • Ramblings with Bala the bartender <3
  • Belvedere in beautiful cups
  • Five straight boys and three girls at a lesbian bar on Oxford Street – what the?
  • The harsh realisation that I don’t look like a lesbian (I was the only girl forced to pay cover charge)
  • A maxi cab back to Surry Hills 
  • A gorgeous white fluffy dog named Shomai  
  • An interpretive floor dance – don’t ask me how or why

I woke up on a pile of dirty gym clothes still wearing my blazer and my empty clutch beside me. I grabbed Queen L and we walked sheepishly over to the boys house to retrieve the contents of our bags. Still happily intoxicated we collected our cards, lipsticks and phones and I pinched half a tin of sour cream and onion pringles on the way out. When we got home Lady B was cooking breakfast and like any other weekend we all found ourselves on the couch eating greasy food and listening to Daryl Braithwaite “Horses”.

After a dozen crisp golden hash browns we retreated to the dungeon…

 Oh, and just in case you’re wondering the message from the very handsome yet dangerous new character read: 
“How was your long weekend Ms Paige?” 

and I giggled before replying “very good and you?”

almost instantly he replied…


“What did you get up to…”

Oh he really has no idea πŸ˜‰

Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!

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