Montezuma’s Revenge in Mexico
We were all so quick to laugh when Charlotte sh*t her pants in the first Sex and the City movie, even my dad had a little chuckle at the sound effects echoing from her designer gym pants but if you’ve ever been to Mexico and experienced Montezuma’s Revenge you’ll know that it is no laughing matter.
For as long as I can remember I’ve had a selectively sensitive stomach. What I mean by selectively sensitive is that sometimes I can eat a tub of ice cream and a hot curry and be totally fine and then other times, usually when I’m with a guy I like, a sip of a milkshake can set me off.
Taking into consideration the above, I booked a five star hotel in Playa Del Carmen Mexico so there would be absolutely no chance of getting food poisoning.
As soon as we arrived in paradise I filled the mini bar with bottles of water and checked out the ‘facilities’ all the while I felt someone was watching me…
You better hope I don’t run out of toilet paper up in here Mr Bird…
Ravenous from the 8 hour transit time from New York to Cancun airport we locked up the room and headed out for a real Mexican feast. Tacos are my absolute favourite food, so no toppings were spared!
By night I was a Mexican eating maniac, with the unbelievable ability to throw back enchilada after margarita and in the morning I felt fine other than a little slight cramping.
It would usually go away by ten o’clock and then I’d grab my bikinis and head up to the roof top.
This hotel had absolutely everything I could have ever dreamed of including a spa, a DJ and cocktails..
And the best bit was that during “ladies nigth” the cocktails were completely free!
You gotta love ladie’s Nigth!
By day five the stomach cramps started to get a little too unbearable so for my final weekend in Mexico I decided to eliminate all of the spicy food and alcohol from my diet and go al naturale. Kind of like a detox you know.
For lunch I strolled up the main street of Playa Del Carmen and ordered a fresh juice full of fruits and veg, followed by lunch by the pool which was delicious rice paper rolls and dinner was several servings of fresh leafy salad.
I went to bed feeling slim, happy and content.
For the final day in Mexico we arranged to go to an all inclusive ocean park with all you can eat and drink. We woke up at 7 am and headed down to the hotel buffet for a light breakfast before we had to catch the bus.
Despite eating like Jennifer Hawkins the day before, I woke up feeling rather unwell. To be extra healthy I decided to order fruit, a black coffee and my fourth green juice in two days. However mid way through the breakfast I felt a tremendous wave of sickness wash over me.
“Give me the room key, I’ll be back in a minute” I said making a mad dash for the suite.
To my absolute horror I climbed the stairs to find my hotel room wide open and a cleaning trolley outside. Mother fucker.
The maid has just started changing bed sheets
“Hola senorita” she smiled.
By this point I was not smiling, I was sweating.
“Ah hello, can you please come back later, no need to do this right now thanks” I said.
She just nodded and kept changing the bed. Obviously not understanding anything I had said.
“No, no please go” I panicked not knowing exactly how much longer I could hold on.
“No clean?” she finally caught on.
“Yes, yes!” “No clean!! No clean!!” I said making an X with my arms like in Deal or No Deal.
She slowly backed away from the bed while I rushed to the ensuite trying to pretend I was doing my make up when secretly I just wanted to stab the poor lady with my tweezers so I could be left alone to go to the toilet.
“No clean?” she popped her head around the corner.
“NO!” I replied with tears in my eyes.
If it had taken her 30 seconds longer to get out it would have been all over for the both of us and Mr Bird. I can safely say that day was the sickest I had ever been. And it got worse from there.
Since we had already paid $170 each to go to the Ocean park I managed to drag my limp body onto the bus.
For an hour or so after we arrived at what can only be described as paradise I started to feel alright.
That was until a non alcoholic pina colada sent me running to find a bungalow toilet.
I’ll tell you what, a selectively sensitive stomach and anxiety is a very dangerous combination. I get anxious when I think people can hear me pee, doing anything more extreme in a public toilet is simply incomprehensible to me.
So I finally found an abandoned toilet in the middle of absolutely no where. I’m pretty sure I was lost, but at this point, but felt so sick that I didn’t care. And then out of the corner of my eye, I see another eye flickering behind the sanitary bin.
It’s an iguana the size of a chihuahua.
Let’s get one thing straight. I live in the city because it’s so polluted that no animal including slimy reptiles can survive.
I’m literally on the verge of having a Charlotte moment when I have to make the ultimate decision. Go to the toilet and potentially have a miniature crocodile crawl up my leg or run outside and sh*t my pants.
“Sometimes twenty seconds of insane courage is all it takes”. I don’t know why a quote from the movie “We Bought a Zoo” flashes up in my head at this moment but if I can muster up the courage to go, chances are the outcome would be more favorable then if I was to fight it any longer.
I guess if you’re reading this then you know I wasn’t eaten by the iguana. It just continued to sit there watching me as I struggled through the most uncomfortable 20 seconds of my life.
“I just don’t get it” I said to the lady next to me on the bus back to the hotel. I’ve been eating immaculately and hadn’t once opened my mouth in the shower or forgotten to brush my teeth with bottled water. So how did I get so sick?
I proceeded to list everything I had consumed in the last 48 hours.
She started to laugh.
“You know that all of the salads and fruits are rinsed in tap water and the juices are no exception. At least the hot food kills all of the bacteria in the water.”
“I’d eat a dirty street kebab before I touch a salad.” she said.
During the last 24 hours of my stay I became very well acquainted with the cast of Extreme Couponing and my new favourite brain numbing TV series, Made in Chelsea.
Although I didn’t get to smoke cigars and drink Margarita’s until sunrise, I still feel as though I got an authentic Mexican experience and most importantly I was forced to relax and have a holiday.
I do realise that what I’ve just given you is a glorified diary of my bowel movements, but sometimes the best story isn’t the one with the perfect bikini shots frolicking on a beach in Cancun. It’s the one no one else is willing to share.
And so that concludes my bespoke tour of LA, New York and Mexico.
Next stop Sydney, where reality awaits.
Ciao for now!