Chaos


I’m writing this post on a napkin whilst waiting for my date to arrive.

He better be hot, smart and rich otherwise I don’t have time for this shit.

Something flies past me at lighting speed, oh hey there life maybe you can chill the fuck out for one second so that I can catch my breath or at least get my eyebrows waxed.

I have been working everyday since forever and although I’ve gotten to the point where I can effortlessly educate common folk on the difference between water and silicone based lubricant, I haven’t had time to write a damn thing.

I’m assuming that this close to Christmas you are all feeling the heat. With deadlines looming and the constant reminder that the silly season is right around the corner.

It is essential that in this time of mayhem you utilise your time wisely. Wake up an hour earlier so that you can fit in at least 30 minutes of exercise, prepare all of your meals at the start of the week and remember to do your washing.

Or you can get through this busy period like me doing absolutely none of the above.

A typical day for me at the moment looks a little something like this:

6:00am Alarm goes off – automatically hit snooze while still dreaming about Ed Lower from Big Brother
8:00am groan loudly, reach over to grab my phone but accidentally knock it off the side table
8:01am fuckkkk
8:03am (yes it just took me three whole minutes to pick my phone off the floor) check my phone for messages/emails/missed calls.
8:03am Takes me no time to realise that I have 0 messages, 0 emails and 0 missed calls but I do have  a notification of a new love quote

8:04am Oh fab, this quote is going to solve all of my relationship problems, it will empower me and show me that I am a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man to complete me. 

8:05am Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me
8:15am Realise that I have to be at work in an hour and begin to panic immensely 
8:15 – 9am is a flurry of coffee, stockings, suspender belts and poorly applied red lipstick
9:30am Arrive at work somehow eluding confidence and sex appeal that I wouldn’t otherwise be bothered to posses. 
9:30am – 6:30pm Get blissfully carried away in other people’s sex lives
6:30pm leave work and head to a bar forgetting about all of the other things I should be doing i.e grocery shopping, washing, exercising. 
7:00pm I’m at Pocket Bar writing on a napkin, waiting for a guy I met on Tinder. I didn’t save the napkin but it looked a lot like this one:
8:00pm He’s kind, funny and successful. He lives in Bondi and comes from a good family. I am sipping a beer and feel comfortable in his presence. 
8:45pm I politely decline the offer of a third drink, I tell him I’ve got a big day tomorrow (which I do). He gets me a cab and kisses me goodnight (on the cheek) before finding his own way home.
8:58pm I’m alone in the cab on my way back to The Dirthouse. He texts me. 
8:59pm I laugh to myself. I don’t think so mate. Even if he does somehow make it to the blog he will just end up being like all of the other Bills. 
9:10pm I join the Queens in L’s bed. We discuss the date and laugh about Bill Tinder’s minor pitfalls. We all decide that the positive aspects of his personality (intelligent, complimentary, has his own business) outweigh the negative (doesn’t have a hairy chest or any idea how to change a car tire). I should give it another go. 
9:30pm I’m in bed, having completed none of the things I set out to do today. My life is a crazy mess but I kind of like it this way. 
10:00pm Goodnight Queens, Bills and beautiful strangers. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get around to changing the world.
Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!

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