Back to Black (Coffee) – Introducing Paleo Prestige

In the last two months I’ve had tonsillitis, food poisoning and now the cold from hell. As I lay here marinating in my own phlegm I can’t help but wonder why my immune system hates me so.

I get that it tis the season to be fluey fa la la la la, blah blah blah. But. I’m starting to feel as though I’m fricken prone to sickness regardless of what month it is.

This time last year I was unemployed dating a PT/healthy chef, exercising daily and inhaling kale amongst other super foods. Although we all know I was being mentally raped by that relationship, physically I was in peak condition. I felt good, I looked good and above all things I was rarely sick.

Fast forward to the present and I laugh in the face of the lady of leisure I was 12 months ago. The most work I did back then was regularly maintain my bikini line which like isn’t even a priority right now in comparison to the mountain of things I have to get done on a daily basis.

The truth is I have a real life now, a real job and with that comes some real prioritising that I have failed to do in these last few weeks.

We all know how much gen-y ladies love a good meal plan. You know the ones you see in the back of Who magazine where the features editor asks Gwyneth Paltrow to list her weekly food intake. It goes a little something like this…

…ol. Cool! so this is what my meal plan looks like at the moment (warning: it puts Paltrow’s plan to shame).

Japanese extraordinaire Ms B tells me that it’s spelt gyoza not goyoza, which doesn’t surprise me because I’m the most horrific speller out, but lets be honest it took me that long to make this beautiful spread sheet and Excel doesn’t agree with me so I’m going to leave it how it is. Okay.
So this explains why my immune system not only hates me but is probably shutting down as we speak. I cannot believe that I have become one of those too busy office people who doesn’t eat breakfast! And not only that but I can’t believe I have also given in to office lollies! Hey Paige do you want a red frog? yes, yes I do – No, No, No!

Something has got to change otherwise I would have used up all my sick days on actual sickness which I am told is so not what you’re meant to do.

So without any further ranting may I introduce to you a little thing called Paleo Prestige.

Ms P and I thought up the concept during a routine session of nail painting and shit talking…

I can’t remember exactly how the conversation went but I know we were discussing the usual: ex boyfriends, being poor and healthy food.

Background info: Ms P used to date a stripper who made a massive amount of money dancing at hens nights in the city. She stopped seeing him when she found out out that he was injecting himself…with fake tan. (I feel like this story is too good to be true and will probably expand on it at a later date).

“We could be like really healthy hot high end strippers” said Ms P trying to decide between two different shades of beige.

“Yeah it would be a real niche market – everyone is healthy these days, we could… dance, and then cook them a healthy Paleo feast and charge three times the price.” I said pouring nail polish remover onto a makeup pad.

“Yeah! Paleo Prestige – Paleo and a show” said Ms P having a real lightbulb moment.

“Paleo and a show”I repeated nodding my head in approval.

Like most of our vapid conversations these business plans unfortunately never eventuated however, the name stuck and Paleo Prestige was born.

For my birthday Ms P gave me custom eye masks and coffee mugs…all class…



Try drinking a fatty caramel latte out of a Paleo Prestige mug – you just can’t do it. A green smoothie? worries you hot Paleo bitch. So as it is now the 1st of June and I have officially exhausted all of my sick days it’s time to uphold the essence of what Paleo Prestige is all about…
What the f*ck is Paleo Prestige all about?
A: Eating delicious whole foods to not only look hot but feel well. Becoming a stripper – optional.
The Meal Plan below is a balance between Gwyneth Paltrow’s extreme diet and my current lazy fat girl non diet and it is what Ms P and I will be following for the next 30 days. We’ll shake up the main meals a bit and we’re not cutting out all of our beloved fat girl foods. Quest bars are something that no career girl can live without (especially since they are quite healthy) and no one wants to be the dickhead co-worker who never accepts office lollies.


How hard can it be? I’m sure you’ll soon find out ๐Ÿ˜‰
Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!

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