Awkies Condom Story and Durex Giveaway Winner!


You know what they say, if it sounds too good too be true then they usually have a chode and HSV2.

Thank you Miss Anonymous for your candid Durex submission! This story made me never want to date anyone ever again *shivers*

Your box of Durex goodies including the Real Pleasure vibrator is on itโ€™s way. I assure you itโ€™s a real thruster ๐Ÿ˜‰

Miss P x

Subject: The Gift that Keeps on Giving!

Message Body:

Picking just one awkies sex/condom story is not going to be easy…there have been….well, a few!

After not having sex for an extended and cruel length of time (and I’m talking well over 4 years) moi was hooked up with a friend of a friend. He was wealthy, independent, owned a new designer apartment at the beachย and single…..ticks all round! Alarm bell #1 (in hindsight…..being single with all that going on should have triggered alarm bells, but as this was a friend of a friend, I felt secure that it would deff’s be a thumbs-up!)

We went on a date to a swanky Noosa Restaurant and whilst not an overly handsome fellow and slightly on the podgy side, he was witty and able to hold a good conversation, he made me laugh and paid for dinner. Not sooo bad. He drove me home afterwards and nothing happened that night, except for a good-night peck on my cheek as he had a coldsore…..alarm bell #2.

A week later, I accepted an invitation to spend the weekend at his apartment. I decided to go all out.ย Planned down to the finest of details: new lingerie, cheeky black dress, killer heels (I even practiced some sexy undressing manovvres whilst keeping said heels on), a few other cute outfits for breakfast/brunch/impromptu visits from his friends dropping over and a wicker hamper full of delicious homemade goodies.

Feeling rather nervous with a dash of confidence thrown in, I arrived at his door and was welcomed with a hug and a drink, noticed some smooth Thievery Corporation tunes playing in the background and was shown around his pad…which was fabulous! Gourmet kitchen, amazing bathrooms, with a huge, comfy looking king-size bed (where I had visions of our first ‘encounter’ taking place).

After a fun and flirty night out at a local club, we arrived back at the apartment, ripped off our clothes and jumped with gusto into the 1000 thread count sheets. Not a sexy, undressing in killer-heel manouvre in sight may I add…..oh well, I probably would have fallen over anyway!

So, after lots of kissing, fondling, heavy breathing…you get the picture, he was on top (with no condom) and grinding away like there was no tomorrow. It all happened so fast, I didn’t have time to even say the word ‘protection’! ….alarm bell #3.

Now, note the word grinding….not thrusting. There was no in and out thrusting, just the grinding….hmmmm, what the fuck? It all felt rather odd – the grinding was the only thing I could actually feel.ย  I had to ask myself….is he actually inside me yet??ย  Something was not quite right here…..alarm bell #4.

The absence of the condom had faded into the background of my mind, because when I seized the opportunity to shake things up and go crazy cowgirl style……..I finally saw the size of his penis! Let’s go back to beginning of the story….and the use of the term ‘thumbs-up’. It was literally the size of a large thumb, yes…. in its erect state. Any condom would have just fallen off that ‘lil sucker…..as did I! I was mortified.ย 

Afterwards, he went to sleep and that was it. All I could do was lie there and think this will not do….and by the term ‘this’ I meant the size of his cock. Now I knew why he was grinding and not thrusting….even a tiny thrust would have meant that his teeny, weeny, wiener would have fallen out and may not have made its way back in again.

So, after all my fantasies, the preparation, the flirting…..the hope of anything long term….was all gone, just like that. I had never seen, nor experienced a dick that small before…….and I hope I never do again! Sadly, he wasn’t even a good kisser….and a note to guys that do have a smaller than average member – you need to learn how to fucking kiss….and I mean everywhere, as a back-up tool!

So there you have it; a tale of a not too long schlong, a very sexually unsatisfied woman and just to top it all off with a bit more icing on that already shitty cake…..a week later, I had genital herpes!! Remember that kiss on the cheek because he had a coldsore.

Yep….. the life-time gift that keeps on giving! …….with all those damn alarm bells going off, I should be deaf by now!

Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!

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