5 Teenage Neurocies You Need to Kick in the Dick

I was running, okay, okay so I was half running half dawdling past Bondi beach this weekend when I spotted a young girl no older than fifteen amongst a small group of sandy haired boys, I assumed her mate had briefly left to check the condition of her bikini line in the bathroom before they all stripped down for an afternoon swim. The girl I noticed was wearing faded denim shorts which barely covered her womb and the rest of her soft thighs were exposed to the sunlight. At that moment one of the boys leaned over and pointed to a spot on her upper thigh. 

“What’s that” I saw him mouth with the same expression as a toddler looking at a piece of dog shit. 

The girl looked embarrassed as she tried to pull her shorts down to hide what I can only assume was a little patch of fine leg hair. 

OHMYGOD! It was like I was witnessing the exact moment in that girl’s life where she would develop a small yet significant complex with her own body hair brought on by a boy with a penis no bigger than her pinky finger. 

While she will probably grow up to realise that stupid comments made by boys are never to be taken seriously, I couldn’t help but wonder how much those moments in our adolescence contribute to the way we see ourselves in our twenties. So in case you’ve been harbouring some negative feelings towards that nasty kid who called you ‘small tits’ in grade ten lately here are five teenage neurocies you need to quite frankly kick…in the dick. 

5 Teenage Neurocies You Need to Kick in the Dick

1. Upper leg hair and cellulite

…are just a fact of life. It’s the rhyme to live by. Why? Because we all have upper leg hair including Margot Robbie and Angelina Jolie and definitely Brad Pitt and those blessed enough to have a booty usually also have cellulite.

2. Small boobs

It’s all fun and games until your DIY napkin padding flies out of your bikini top as you dive into a pool of vicious teenage girls and boys. Yes that’s happened to me more times than I’d like to admit but the thing you don’t realise is small boobs are just as sexy as big ones and big boobs can be just as awkward as small ones too. Trust me I’ve had both and as I think back to my 14 year old self padding her bra in the mirror I have just once piece of advice – chill the fuck out. The boobs and the nipple hair and the eye popping cleavage will all come in good time.

Did she just say nipple hair?

3. Blemishes

I will never forget the time I smuggled a bottle of Proactiv into my mother’s house, bleaching all of her Sheridan towels in the process. There was a point in my young life where I would have done anything for clear skin and while my skin is still far from perfect the thing I realise now is that it isn’t always as big of a deal as you make out in your head. 99% of the time people are too caught up in their own insecurities to worry about yours. So love the skin you’re in and carry on!

Read about my clear skin journey here.

4. Your vagina

This is an easy one, if he dare judge your vagina it’s officially a free for all.

A winning rebuttal: “What is that smelly piece of skin?” and point to any area of his penis.

5. Two piece, one piece, rash vest, sarong, thong. Whatever you want to wear to the beach just do it.

Okay so I’m still coming to terms with this one myself BUT I just know I will look back when I’m a saggy, happy seventy year old and think why the hell didn’t I just wear what we wanted to the beach?


Girls, if you’re reading this and still have boys picking on you about any of the above you need to go find yourself a man right now. One that appreciates you for who you are.

No one masters the delicate art of self love right away but scientific studies show that we’re born with a bullshit detector, so the next time someone tries to make you feel self conscious about your body, kick them in the dick and be on your way.

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Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!

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