10 Ways You’re Fucking Up Your Chances of Landing Your Dream Job!


So you’re a hot young go-getter who wants to land a lust worthy career?

Or maybe you’re not hot, not necessarily young but just need a job anyway?
Either way there is only one thing standing in the way of you and that sweet pay check…
Your initial job application!
Notice how I didn’t say resume or CV there? That’s because the world is a change’n and girl, to be successful you must first learn to adapt – which means giving the recruiter exactly what they ask for.
Let me explain…
I have many roles at Maple HQ one of them is to recruit nationally for this prestigious brand. 
When I first started screening applications I was SHOCKED at what us, girls between the age of 18-30 were sending in.
Three months later and I’m not even surprised by the 100s of generic job applications we get a day, instead I am ESTATIC whenever I find an app that actually gives us what we asked for in our initial ad.

It seems a little unbelievable right? That you could not be getting that all important call back because you simply aren’t doing what was asked of you in the first place.

Time is of the essence when applying for your dream job so lets cut to the chase shall we?

10 ways you’re fucking up your chances of landing a dream job 
(with a lashing of sexual innuendo here and there to keep things interesting)
1. As mentioned above, some people just blatantly fail to give the employee what they want. The first thing you do when you see an ad for a position is you read it, thoroughly. Read that ad like it is a magic ancient scripture telling you how you give your love interest the orgasm of his/hers life. Take in every little detail, understand it and then give them exactly what they want! Yeah baby, do it…just like that!
2. They ask for long rhythmic strokes and you bite down hard on the tip. No, no, no, no, no!
In our ads we ask specifically for video applications, instead we receive about 70% electronic resumes. Thats 70% more time I end up having in my day to do things like err read magazines and eat chocolate because we ain’t reading it if you can’t be bothered giving it to us in the format we asked for.
3. ‘Oh but I don’t know how to make a video and send it’
I once read a surprising statistic that 65% of people will make a sexy tape at least once during their lifetime. Making a video application is a very similar process (the uploading part) but I recommend keeping your clothes on for this one…
4. Over sharing. Shit your employee doesn’t want to know:
  • Your marital status: No one cares if you’re married, single, divorced, kinda still seeing that guy you tried to break up with 2 years ago from Saturday
  • Past past past employment: In 2001 I worked every first Sunday of the month at the Eumundi markets selling hammocks to fat smelly middled aged men. Skills acquired: I expertly handled the fannypack full of money.
  • Every achievement you’ve ever had: Won the shortest skirt competition is high school? Well done Paige. Leave it in the year book.
5. Why it doesn’t matter:
  • Your martial status: unless asked to provide (which I highly doubt) it doesn’t ever matter. Your employer wants you to be married to one thing and one thing only…your job. 
  • Past past past employment: I’ve had 11 jobs which range from dance teaching to chocolate factory supervising. I only put the last 3-4 on my resume, the ones which are relevant to the organisation I want to work for. 
  • Every achievement you’ve ever had: Mum and dad will never forget your employees however will always remember you as the person who wasted 5 minutes of their valuable time if you choose to include irrelevant information. 
6. You’re sending out a million generic applications because you think it will give you a better chance at getting a gig.
It should go without saying here that when you’re sending apps it is all about the quality not the quantity. If you really want the job you should not only tailor your app to meet the demands of the ad but to also compliment the brand. People who think they have a better chance of getting a job by flicking the same resume to 100 different organisations – you’re not fooling anyone. In my world this act is regarded as being professionally slutty. 
Tick, tock, tick, tock…
6. Wrap it up! Keep it short and sweet with the most important information at the top. A one page resume is ideal but let the employer know that you can provide references etc on request. 
7.  Check the formatting! I come across many encrypted applications on a daily basis. Truth be told I don’t waste my time trying to open them, I just move on to the next one instead. Hint: send it to a friend first & get them to check. While you’re at it get them to have a flick through – Would they hire you?
8. Leave out points that don’t matter…Like this one. To be honest I couldn’t think of anything important to say for number 8. Sorry number 8.
9. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t have experience. How do you think I got my job in the first place? It wasn’t by being an incredible publicist thats for sure. It was by being incredibly eager to please.
10. It’s not about what you say but how you say it…
Ok so sending cupcakes isn’t mandatory or even recommended (it can be considered a form of bribery opps a daisy) but it certainly pays to be different.
How do you do this? It’s simple – hit your recruiter with the unexpected…A application that follows the above criteria thats all you need.

So what are you waiting for? Find the ad for the job you want, print in out, follow it line by line
answer each question  (it will make it easier if you tick as you go) and get creative with it.  Send it off when you feel as though you have created an app that is a great reflection of your personality and your work ethic.

If you don’t hear back? Get on the phone and call! My number one piece of advice to you is not to be afraid to follow up on an application, ever.

I know it may seem intimating calling the company you want to work for but 9 times out of 10  the gate keeper to your dream job isn’t the CEO or the MD it’s just someone like me waiting for a smart chick like you to take initiative.

Those are the girls who stand out and end up kicking some serious fucking goals.

Now it’s time for me to go to sleep!

Plenty of potential models & maple girls to see tomorrow.

Big Kisses!

P

Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!

1 Comments

alexis [amgoorie]
Reply July 18, 2014

haha loves it! Great post hun, its so true as well!

Alexis x

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