10 Things I Learnt From my First Swingers Party

Magazine editors get invited to glam events, PR girls get invited to launch parties and I get a black envelope and a massage candle that smells like dirty sex. “A night you’ll never forget” Don’t be fooled, this is one invitation that doesn’t allude to free champagne and cute cupcakes. For the sake of a good story, I decided to RSVP to the mysterious mobile number and drag along a couple of girls from work. What’s the worst that could happen?

10 things I Learnt From my First Swingers Party

1.The wildest swingers parties are usually held at discreet locations. What looks like steel door without a handle is secretly a portal to another world.

But seriously how do I get in…?

2.If you don’t want to draw attention to yourself then DON’T wear clothes. 

That was one of the first mistakes my co workers and I made as we were escorted through to the “locker room” and advised to shed our layers. I said no not because I wanted to look like a prude but because today was laundry day and underneath my sexy satin black dress I was actually wearing an old pair of Bonds undies and some old chicken fillets.

 3. An empty swingers club is surprisingly warm and inviting…

The “playrooms” were empty as we had arrived early for a private tour. We were shown several dimly lit boudoirs including a spa room, a swing room and an orgy room. All looked far more tasteful than I had imagined. While I talked very important swingers business with the manager, my curious co workers took multiple selfies #swingersselfie

4. A full swingers club is beyond confronting

By 8pm it started to fill up with men and women of all different ages and the playrooms seemed like a no go zone unless you were really interested in joining in on the action. We made our way to the main room for a male stripper performance and I went in search of a stiff…drink.

5. Penis shaped jelly shots and swingers parties are a lethal combination

While I was in a drunken/male stripper haze the manager tried to explain to me that because they don’t have a licence to sell alcohol, all drinks and shots are free.

6. You are not “Rome” – the fierce female ringleader from Magic Mike XXL.

Next minute a friend of mine named Sally (because it definitely wasn’t me) started bossing around two well endowed male strippers. “I demand you pleasure these Queens!”

These Queens I later found out both worked in social services in the city..

7. “Let’s go check out the orgy room” is not a mission for the faint hearted

8. Dicks, dicks everywhere.

If I wasn’t a dozen free jelly shots deep I would have felt pretty stupid standing in the middle of a room fully clothed as 30 people fornicated wildly in front of me.

9. Take a friend or colleague that knows when to tap out and get pizza. 

There’s nothing more sobering than leaving a swingers party and finding a very suspect looking stain on your shoe. What is disssss?

10. Luck be a single lady…for you my dear this entire experience is free.

Couples have to pay a fee of $100 – $200 but if you’re a single lady you will gain free entry into literally any swingers party.

Free entry, free drinks all night and dicks everywhere…sounds like a bar only better. But before your trade your Bonds for some skimpy underwear…beware, “what’s the worst that could happen?” the possibilities are endless in here…


Miss P
About me

Heaven on Bourke is a lifestyle blog created by Miss P, a twenty-something author of a Pleasure Guide pamphlet most commonly found in luxe vibrator boxes. True story! She loves to travel between her beachy hometown of Noosa and London's upmarket Notting Hill, where she writes a smut column for a lingerie empire. Off duty, Miss P brunches in the city and dates many interesting characters. All findings on real life, sex and love are recorded in this honest lifestyle blog for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy gorgeous!

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